6th March 2018

Most days are fine. I exist quite happily. I know where my heart has settled, in the uncertainty and the mystery.

Other days, I mourn. I find myself grieving. Missing what was. Although you are gone, you are not really gone. You have simply morphed, but it feels like a chunk of my heart has disappeared in the process.

“I've seen the highs
And I've seen the lows
I need a center
You're all that I know
You are my home
A beautiful home
You are my home
Wherever I go…

I wanted to stay
Forever this way
It's all that I hope for
Know that I pray
Know that we've care for
And know that I know...
Cause you be my home
Wherever I go”

As Spotify flicked on ‘You are my home’ by Man of Leisure, I found myself weeping. Mourning a chapter that has gone. A chapter I no longer want to be a part of, but a chapter nonetheless.

A break up. Days pass, the pain turns into relief, a bizarre freedom in the midst of uncertainty. Everything reminds me of you. How it was. How we danced. Your small voice in the stillness. Your hand holding mine as we waltzed through the days together. A beautiful love affair. Excitement for you. Wanting to spend every moment in your presence.

And then came the change. Everything came crashing down. A relationship that crumbled, perhaps due to pressure or the monotony of life, where everything crashed but the glimmer of love was still there. Yet the spark never went out. Everything I believed about you, changed. Although it has lead to a healthier outlook on life, more open-minded and more loving - we could not continue on the way we were. Then came the break up.

Or, perhaps we are just on a break. We’ll go our separate ways for a while, explore and discover the world as individuals, and then come back together again. Reignite the spark when we danced. Different this time, almost every part different, but the dance is every bit the same.

I will let this grief wash over me. I will cry, and then it will pass. I am thankful for this time. I am thankful for the years we spent together and the experiences we shared. Perhaps friend, I will see you again. In different clothing, in a different part of the world. Perhaps, we will not meet again.

For now, I will ride the waves of grief and see where healing takes me. An adventure, an important adventure, with truth deep in my heart and love in my spirit.