June 2nd, 2017

There is something so real. A divine. A Spirit that guides me, molds me, shapes me. I have chosen to call it the Holy Spirit. Jesus. God. Yahweh. Abba. Jehovah. Elohim. The names that calm my storm. Still my soul.

Yet Christianity makes me uncomfortable. Rules, even when not voiced there are unwritten rules that linger due to fundamentalist views and stubbornness. People following blindly like sheep. Fear of unconforming to religion, the concern that thinking too deeply might be stepping out of line with God and what He wants. That we are expected to accept ‘the truth’ of the Bible, no questioning, just trusting. I will question, and I will trust that God is bigger than it all.

There are many things within the Bible, within Christianity that do not sit right with my soul. That I cannot, and will not, believe to be truth. That have very little connection to love, to grace. There is the very dangerous assumption that all Christians must think alike, because we have succumbed to a ‘label’.

I cannot let go of my faith. I have been transformed. My relationship with Jesus is bizarrely intimate. It's beautiful. It feels ever so real and I choose to accept it as real. However, how does one let go of a label? A label that comes with a name. The name of Jesus. Is it a quiet transformation? How would I choose to preach on it? Does life look any different when you disconnect from Christian, and reframe as follower of Christ? Does it actually make a difference or is it all wordplay?

For me, faith is changing. Developing. It is questioning. It is to reality check. It is to make sure my beliefs match with love, kindness, peace. It is to hold on to his gentle whisper and his loud roar. Jesus turned the tables in anger at how people had misused the space meant to be the house of God. I wonder how Jesus would look at our Churches now. We follow like sheep. We forget to use the brains that our God has so beautifully given to us.

I have found so far, that by digging deeper, and thinking more bravely, that I only feel closer to my Creator. That I find myself more loving. More open. More aware of the world, and my position in it. It is scary and often I feel alone. Persecuted. That I’m making a terrible mistake. God is bigger. God is bigger. God is bigger. He is bigger than all labels. All flesh. He is bigger than all questions and all doubts. He is bigger.