6th June 2017
To question is not a comfortable place. I feel somewhat alone.
What do you do when you have a love for Jesus, but Christianity makes you feel sick?
Where do you go?
There are numerous online groups to support, I know that I am not the only one. However, I do not have someone to go to in the real world. If I spoke to Church, it would only be assumed that I am being 'lead astray', or that Satan is getting the better of me. For fucks sake. I am a human and I am struggling.
I love Jesus. I love everything He stands for. I love being with the Holy Spirit. Learning about hosting His Presence. I love his quiet gentle whispers, I love how He brings people together. I love how He shapes your heart, how you can encounter divine moments and experiences. I love the snippets of miracles that I have experienced. There is something more than just human experience and human feelings.
I feel like my eyes have been opened to how much damage takes place, hidden under a blanket of 'love'. This is not love. Love is not judgmental. Love does not separate. Jesus is not separation.
I have found a peace that surpasses all. A peace that fills me with love. I have felt situations turn around. I have had my own heart changed, broken for people in need and people who are hurting. But where do I get the support? I want a 'Church' full of people who feel as bloody confused and broken as I do, but it seems like nobody has the courage or confidence to share how they are really feeling, just in case their feelings get undermined - which typically, they do. Nobody has the answers. Nobody actually knows whether there is a God. If there is one, I hope and I pray that He is bigger than all of this. He has to be bigger than all of this. He is not reduced to human religion. He is not reduced to groups of people. He is all encompassing. He is one.
And if there isn't a God, well, none of this matters really. None of these questions matter. None of my feelings are for any good reason.
Oh Lord, help me. Am I being taken on a journey that will leave me enlightened? Knowing more of you. More of who you are, and what you've created me for. Or am I falling deeper into a lonely life, where it feels a little empty and a little sad. I don't know. Perhaps the emptiness and the sadness is all part of the bigger picture, Perhaps the emptiness and the sadness is all part of the growth.
I didn't ask for a comfortable life. A bold, uncomfortable life for Jesus. A life where my heart is broken and great actions of love come out of harder times. This is the start, I hope.
What do you do when you have a love for Jesus, but Christianity makes you feel sick?
Where do you go?
There are numerous online groups to support, I know that I am not the only one. However, I do not have someone to go to in the real world. If I spoke to Church, it would only be assumed that I am being 'lead astray', or that Satan is getting the better of me. For fucks sake. I am a human and I am struggling.
I love Jesus. I love everything He stands for. I love being with the Holy Spirit. Learning about hosting His Presence. I love his quiet gentle whispers, I love how He brings people together. I love how He shapes your heart, how you can encounter divine moments and experiences. I love the snippets of miracles that I have experienced. There is something more than just human experience and human feelings.
I feel like my eyes have been opened to how much damage takes place, hidden under a blanket of 'love'. This is not love. Love is not judgmental. Love does not separate. Jesus is not separation.
I have found a peace that surpasses all. A peace that fills me with love. I have felt situations turn around. I have had my own heart changed, broken for people in need and people who are hurting. But where do I get the support? I want a 'Church' full of people who feel as bloody confused and broken as I do, but it seems like nobody has the courage or confidence to share how they are really feeling, just in case their feelings get undermined - which typically, they do. Nobody has the answers. Nobody actually knows whether there is a God. If there is one, I hope and I pray that He is bigger than all of this. He has to be bigger than all of this. He is not reduced to human religion. He is not reduced to groups of people. He is all encompassing. He is one.
And if there isn't a God, well, none of this matters really. None of these questions matter. None of my feelings are for any good reason.
Oh Lord, help me. Am I being taken on a journey that will leave me enlightened? Knowing more of you. More of who you are, and what you've created me for. Or am I falling deeper into a lonely life, where it feels a little empty and a little sad. I don't know. Perhaps the emptiness and the sadness is all part of the bigger picture, Perhaps the emptiness and the sadness is all part of the growth.
I didn't ask for a comfortable life. A bold, uncomfortable life for Jesus. A life where my heart is broken and great actions of love come out of harder times. This is the start, I hope.
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